If Only I Kept Him There

This work represents bargaining, a deeply personal stage rooted in the artist’s longing to change the past after losing her father—a time when she served as the primary decision-maker while managing his care from out of state. Layered greens evoke both hope and unrest, symbolizing the weight of responsibility, distance, and the internal negotiations that followed. Moments are replayed, choices are questioned, and the quiet ache of “if only” lingers—if only a different call had been made, if only she had been closer, if only time had allowed more. Circular forms and overlapping strokes reflect looping thoughts and mental exhaustion, mirroring the constant decision-making and second-guessing that defined this stage. The color green, often associated with growth and healing, becomes conflicted here—holding both the desire to move forward and the inability to let go. This piece captures the emotional limbo of grief, where hope, responsibility, and sorrow coexist.

If Only I Kept Him There is part of the 5 Stages of Grief series. The series is representational of the artist’s journey after the loss of her dad. Not only did she pour her heart and emotion into each painting, but these paintings led the artist on a journey of grief and growth.

Oil on Canvas 

20x20"