Memories Don't Always Last Forever

Dear Diary,

Three days ago… three days ago I got the call. The diagnosis. We always knew something was wrong. We always knew. So why was it so hard? Why during that phone call with the doctor did I feel like I couldn’t collapse? What was stopping me? I wanted to. I wanted to fall to the floor. I wanted to die in that moment. I wanted to disappear. But I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t fade away. I couldn’t collapse…

I collapsed…

What happened?

Why am I sobbing?

I promised she would never see me break.

She watched me shatter.

I wanted to call my siblings immediately. I wish they could’ve been on that call. I wish I could’ve leaned on them in that moment. It’s not their fault. I know they would’ve been there if they could’ve. How do I tell them?

This all went from zero to 100 in one second. And the car is on fire. My brakes are gone. I should’ve held my boundaries up better. Higher. Stronger.

First, let’s get his house straight.

Call the banks.

How much?

Pay a bill.

Login to all the accounts.

Send in the POA.

Make a call.

Fax a POA.

Make a call.

Sit on hold.

Transfer money.

Pay a bill.

Make a call.

Sit on hold.

Missed call from Collections.

Breathe.

Finances on track… House out of foreclosure… Assisted living… Waiver… No assisted living… Sundowning… Waitlists… More confusion… DIAGNOSIS… Memory care… Waitlists…

He calls multiple times a day. Not remembering the previous call and conversation he made. He calls to tell me about the diagnosis I already knew about. His voice breaks. It falls apart. He says he is terrified. Two days in a row he calls confused, agitated, terrified. He says he feels guilty he is causing our problems.

If only I could reverse the clock.

Rewind.

Turn it back.

If only.

As much as he has hurt us over the years… I want nothing more than to take away his fear, his confusion, his sadness. I love my dad again. How could that be possible? It’s a different kind of love though. I love my dad as if he were one of my kids.

Why does life work like that?

I’m angry. I’m devastated. I’m scared. I’m crumbling. I need to be strong. This isn’t about me anymore. I need to get it together and hold it together. Life keeps moving. No one has time to stand still.

No matter how tired I am.

I’m so tired.

No matter how stressed I am.

I’m so stressed.

No matter how weak I feel.

I’m so weak.

I feel empty inside.

But I can’t stop. The brakes are worn down so much they don’t exist anymore. This situation is going 100 mph and I’m reaching for the handbrake. Reaching for the handbrake that isn’t there. I don’t have a choice. I’m in too deep.

My husband is what’s keeping me standing.

My family is what’s keeping me going.

My daughter is what’s keeping me breathing.

Love,

Me

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Dear Diary,

Three days ago… Three days ago I got the call. The diagnosis. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. It all feels like Déjà vu.

How could this happen to her? To my rock? She is the strong one. How could there not be a cure yet? How are we still dealing with this after 40 years? I need to hold it together. Just like my mom did.

What would she do? What DID she do?

The file.

She told me one day I would need to open it, but I didn’t want to believe her. I guess today is that day. I just need to open the file.

It’s ALL here. Everything.

Accounts – She told me about her accounts. - Check

Finance Folder – Organized - Check

Bills – All current. - Check

Power of Attorney and Will – Thank God those are done. - Check

It’s like she was setting me up for success. She did set me up for success.

I couldn’t be more thankful. I wish she could understand what this means to me. She’s allowing me the freedom to be able to grieve, to be able to cry, and to be able to shatter.

Thank you!

I remember how strong she was when I was growing up. She was so strong then and is so strong now. When I was little, I felt like she could never break. She was always smiling no matter what was going on in life. She brought so much joy to our days, even after she had the worst day. How did she have so much energy to keep up with me when she was going through something like this?

I can count on one hand how many times I saw her break down. One time I will never forget—she shattered.

It is my turn to be her rock. It is my turn to take the weight off her shoulders and take care of her. I learned from the best. I promise to spend what time I have left with her to prove to her that she raised me right. I will continue to tell her how much I love her, even when her memory fades. I will savor these moments, the love, and the laughs day in and day out. Even after her memory is gone I will show her how much I love her. I will protect her from what I can and will be by her side to the end.

That is my promise to her.

I am strong, I am brave, I can breathe, and I CAN do this.

I got you mom.

Love,

Your Little