Life of Addiction and Regret

Dear Diary,

The sand between my toes, the wind blowing through my hair and the sun shining on my face are only a small magnitude of faith I have restored in my life for returning to sanity. Ironically, placing the façade as a carefree spirit has also been detrimental to my emotional and mental well-being, twisting and catapulting a life of addiction and regret.

Struggling with daily life is an undertone to the amount of desperation and denial I have built a foundation upon. How possibly could one love oneself based upon the destruction and demoralization I’ve structured the past decade? From rehabilitations, to institutions, to recovery centers, the answer was inevitable. I could no longer manage to save myself from myself. The obliteration and demolition of character I had evolved into was monstrous.

I was sick and tired of being

sick and tired of being

sick and tired.

I never saw a future. I couldn’t think of marriage, starting a family, a great career. It was all blank space. Nothingness. My life was unmanageable. I desperately needed a Power greater than myself to restore me back to sanity.

I’ve always wondered how a beautiful girl, an athlete, a college graduate, a social butterfly and loving daughter could sink into a black demise, weak with infatuated thoughts of “why do I even put myself and my family through this” or “Maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t here anymore”. That had all seemed more efficient and effective than trying to repair the hurt and destruction I had caused to myself and all my loved ones. The remorse, culpability and regret seemed too much to try and heal, and I persistently echoed the thought process of disappearing, regardless of the endless support system I had praying tirelessly.

One morning, a spiritual awakening happened. It was a voice so loud, so strong and so repelling that I could not give up. Do you ever hear that voice telling you the RIGHT decision, the RIGHT path forward, the RIGHT help that is RIGHT in front of you? And all this time my ego and selfishness was holding me back because I figured “I can do this on my own”. That voice wouldn’t leave me the whole day. It was as if the skies opened up and the courage was there. The movement forward brought forth a newfound faith and hope that reigned heavier and heavier as I listened.

Dear Diary,

You were there every step of the way capturing the journey.

Love, Me

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Dear Diary,

I will never understand why this keeps happening. I will never be able to fully process the reality of her situation. But what I can understand is that she is so much more than what she gives herself credit for. What I can process is that I will never leave her side. Through the highs and lows. The literal highs and the lowest of lows. I don’t need to know what’s going on in her head. I don’t need her to tell me the details. But I want more than ever for her to see herself the way I see her.

A beautiful friend.

A loving sister.

A colorful character.

Someone who can always put a smile on your face in a dark time. Someone who will protect you from the bullies. The abuse. Someone who will throw herself in front of the bullets that life throws your way to minimize the hurt you receive. Someone who is willing to risk it all to protect you, even if it’s only protecting a piece of you.

I know she’s hurting. I know she’s trying to numb the pain. Falling deeper into the darkened abyss. I would give anything to protect HER from this. I want to wrap my arms around her until she gives in. I wish I could tell her that it’s okay to feel the pain. It’s normal to lean on others when you may not feel strong enough. It’s okay to put some of the weight on others’ shoulder temporarily when you need help. It’s okay to put up boundaries between friends or family that only destroy who you are and how you feel.

I know there are times she doesn’t want to be here anymore. I know she’s tired. But I’m here. I’m screaming from the rooftops that she is LOVED. It wouldn’t be easier without her here. I am on my knees praying for her to come back to me. For her to find her peace she has been longing for. Not alone though.

With us.

With all her loved ones.

There is always room for healing.

Room for building up trust again.

The love never faded.

And it never will.

You are not alone in this world or in this beautiful disaster we call life.

Please come back to me. You CAN do this.

Love,

Your Friend