Internal Conflict Forever Exists

Dear Diary,

The audacity.

The audacity some people have.

Are you kidding me?

I keep laughing out loud because of how pathetic this all is. I almost don’t even believe this is all happening. How can someone be so cruel by sucking the life out of you each and every day while thinking there is still more energy to take.

I’m numb.

My head is spinning and I have a fire inside me that is about to explode with fury. I told him my limitations. I told him my boundaries. The drunk just doesn’t recall our previous conversations or just doesn’t care enough to take it into consideration.

He has controlled us our entire lives.

He has walked all over us day in and day out.

But we are grown today. We are no longer little, innocent, don’t know any better, children. I know what is okay and what is not okay. I know this is not okay.

The abuse.

The emotional and mental turmoil that he causes. How can one person cause all this anguish? How does one person have this much power over anyone? How does his negativity and manipulation control us this much?

We keep giving him chances.

I keep giving him chances.

Trying to ‘save’ him from himself.

I am only enabling him. I am only allowing his actions to go unnoticed. I am only allowing him to never have to see the consequences of what he chooses to do in life.

The lies.

It’s exhausting.

A web of confusion that we all get trapped in that drains us of life. Until we are dead… at least dead inside. This is killing me. This is draining me. I cannot keep doing this. I won’t keep doing this.

What are my boundaries?

What do they need to be?

Complete cutoff? I’ve always wanted that throughout my life but have never been brave enough to take the plunge.

Am I ready now? Am I ready to take the plunge knowing what the result will be? There is only one path this lifestyle will take him.

He will die.

He will either end up in the hospital due to another drunken binge or evicted and pushed to the streets. Streets continue the booze.

Money will run out. It’s running out very quickly.

It’s winter. He will be cold.

Do I care? I shouldn’t. But I do.

I can’t keep going back and forth with these thoughts. These emotions.

I want him on the streets. I want him cold. I want him out of my life. I want him to feel the pain he has caused all of us over these years. I want him to stop landing on a bed of rose petals when he deserves nothing.

We’ve paid our dues.

It’s easy to say all of this now. But, how will I feel when this story becomes a reality? These words come from a place of hurt, anger, devastation.

Will I have guilt? Will I be sad? Will I be sorry?

Only time will tell.

Love,

Me

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Dear Diary,

I see her struggling. I see how conflicted she is each and every day. One moment she will be happy and carefree and the next, she is spiraling into that dark place we know too well. I wish I could show her how far she has come over the years. She has grown up to be so strong and independent, with the ability to guard herself and her loved ones from the Tasmanian disaster he leaves behind.

She would spend countless hours before, in between, and after work dealing with his ‘ways’ and sometimes I wouldn’t know what I would be coming home to after work. I knew this was all eating away at her and wanted it to end for her. He has always been this way ever since I’ve known her and her family. He is only getting worse and he is trying to bring everyone else down with him. But she knows it.

He does all of this to himself. He is only blaming other people because he will never turn the finger on himself. It’s not fair to her that she gets a lot of the blame because all she did was help him. She set him up for a success that wouldn’t have been possible if she hadn’t stepped in. The onus is on him if he chooses to not accept the help or chooses to throw away all of the progress that was made FOR him.

Sometimes all I can think to do is hug her. Hold her so she can fall apart. I know she is staying strong for everyone else, so I will continue to stay strong for her. We will continue to be her safe space. Our home will continue to be a place filled with love and joy where she can feel safe to heal how she sees fit.

There is a light at the end of this. We are already starting to see it with the boundaries she has created. I will continue to preach that she will come out on top in this situation and will survive this tragedy. I’m so proud of how far she has come, especially in recent months.. She has so much to live for and her smile is infectious to us. She will always have her loved ones around her to catch her if she falls and to support her if she begins to lean. We are her team.

Love, Your Love