As a Team, As a Family

Dear Diary,

I’m tired. I’m beyond tired. I never knew what to expect having 2 kids under the age of 4. I knew I could do it, but I knew I could do it prior to knowing what was to come. My 3-year-old has autism. He is so amazing and is thriving at his daycare/preschool, but we are missing something at home. Am I missing something? I’m their mom. I’m supposed to be able to do all the things.

Wake up.

Get me and the kids ready for the day.

Find time to eat. Is everyone dressed, fed, packed, ready? A million things rushing through my head every single second of every single day. Will today be a good day?

Drive to school. Dropoff. Go to work at my full-time job. Leave work. Pick kids up.

Hope that everyone behaved throughout the day. What’s the plan for dinner? Get kids cleaned up and ready for bed. Kids go to sleep. I can finally breathe. I’m almost too tired to breathe. Drained. Go to sleep. Rinse. Repeat.

In between all of that, I can’t forget to sprinkle in the repetitive behaviors we have to keep an eye out for throughout the day and aggressive moments when the tablet gets taken away from our son. How do you prepare for the aggression when you step between him and his tablet? How do you learn what the right thing is to do in that moment? Why don’t more people talk about this? What we think is a small trigger can be a huge disruption in his life. Will the aggression ever stop? Are there ways around it? It’s not his fault. It has to be mine.

I feel like we can do more at home. But when? How? I’m trying. We are trying. I feel like I’m failing.

I am not in a good place.

Balancing this wild life on top of my racing thoughts.

I am not okay.

I am about to break.

I need help.

But I’m Mom. And I love them with everything that I am. I should be able to do everything. So, I do. Without thinking twice, I do everything.

I need help.

Is this really living life to the fullest?

How are we supposed to be Mom,

successful at our career,

a loving wife,

full of energy,

and sane?

How do we get a win in this life?

Where is my ‘village’ that I was promised growing up?

Love, Me

---

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know how she is able to think of everything that needs to be done around this house and is still able to be a loving partner. The way I see her with these kids… She is such a strong mother and seems like she is truly holding it together. I wish I knew how she did it. On top of everything at home, she still works her ass off 40 hours a week to help support the family. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner to go through this crazy thing called life with.

The way those kids look at her… The kids love her so much and love being around her. She truly is the best role model for them and I couldn’t think of a better way to raise them.

I know she is tired. I know she is overworked. I know it is stressful raising our 2 kids and learning how to venture through the autism lifestyle. The aggression lately has been tough, but it’s no one’s fault. It’s just a little speed bump in our lives that we WILL get through together. We will continue to learn what he needs in his life to ease the sensory overload. We will continue to learn together.

Together.

As a team.

As a family.

I need her to know she is not alone. I need her to know that I am here. I am here for her. Does she need me to plan and cook dinner? I’m there. Does she need me to get the kids ready for bed? It’s done. Does she need a hot bubble bath drawn with a glass of wine waiting? It’s hers. If she needs to cry, scream, collapse in someone’s arms, I’m here. If I’m not pulling my weight, I just need to know.

I need her to know that she isn’t in this alone. She never has been. I need her to see that even though she is superwoman (literally), I want to help and I am here to help. I want to be her other half that she can lean on at any point she needs. I will do anything to make and keep her happy. She is the backbone of this family and we would be lost without her. We are in this together forever.

Love,

Your Love